This fictional piece is dedicated to J.J. Abrams, Rian Johnson, and everyone else who has ever directed a Star Wars movie—whether for four movies or four minutes.
I. Johnny directed a Star Wars movie. After opening weekend, half the fanbase hoisted his body up high in celebration. The other half retrieved his head, like a BB unit, rolling on the ground.
II. Jim directed a Star Wars movie. For five minutes. Then he went home.
III. Tony directed a Star Wars movie. But did he really though? Was he even on set? Or did he hover above the proceedings in a muted glow, cradling an old script and sighing beneath the lighting grid?
IV. Andy directed a Star Trek movie. Fans enjoyed spirited debate in various alien languages at comic cons across the country.
Later, Andy directed a Star Wars movie. Historians now recognize this as the direct prequel to World War IV: A New War.
V. Enzo directed a Star Wars movie. While his existence is no longer canon, 30 years later his legion of devotees only grows. And beneath their island shrine, encased in gleaming carbonite, Enzo is smiling.
VI. Susan directed a Star Wars movie. The first female film director in the galaxy! We stan her. We adore her. We start a GoFundMe for her Baby Yoda security detail or full-body Mandalorian armor, whichever she prefers.
VII. Greg directed a Star Wars movie, and most people loved it. But knowing history, his cloning investment paid off after a vocal minority cast him down a reactor shaft, resurrected him, turned him into a human lightning rod, resuscitated him, etc. Thank you GG-23 for paying the ultimate price.
VIII. The next director of a Star Wars movie will be announced Monday. Immediately following the announcement, they will be ushered into their choice of wampa cave, sarlacc pit, or trash compactor to continue pre-production.
IX. In the meantime, Bobby directed a Star Wars fan video. Everybody loves him, what a star.
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